In January 2011 I wrote this blog ....

Sometime in life your thrown a curve ball.  Normally I’m the type of person to catch it with both hands and leg it!  Like finding out I was pregnant with 2nd baby when 1st baby wasn’t even 1 years old! Or when Daddy was made redundant 2 weeks before 2nd baby was born. You kick and scream, cry for a bit shake yourself on and get on with it.   ….

So Daddy and I went off to our scan on Wednesday and after 1 hour of waiting we were finally seen by a Sonographer who explained that her job was to check the growth of baby in key areas, the head circumference, leg length and tummy circumference.  As she did this she also talked us through what she could see, heart beating, bladder, kidneys, fingers, and that the strange alien like shape was her holding her face with her hand!  At this point Daddy was sat under a huge plasma screen watching away and I was obviously laying on the bed.  She then showed us a chart and explained about how the 2nd crosses were todays measurements and due to the curvature of the growth chart 3rd baby was now lower than the 5th percentile, even though she had grown a bit over the last 2 weeks.

She started printing off charts and said she was off to get the consultant. Now I’ve had 2 babies before and have a rare blood group which could cause difficulties during birth so I have always been ‘under’ a consultant but I’ve never actually had the need to meet him!!  So just her saying I’m off to get the consultant was enough to start me off.  As I tried to brush the tears away and compose myself the ever pragmatic Daddy steps in.  ”She’s growing so that must be a good start” “we always have little babies“, “I’m sure she’s fine, all her bits were working.” I nodded back whilst every inch of my body is screaming SHUT UP!

The consultant arrived and explained he was going to do a detailed scan checking blood flow and sound levels and that the screen would change colours and make some noise, what he failed to say is that this would take nearly an hour.  By this point Daddy was now sat in the chair next to me holding my hand, I’m pretty sure he has nail marks I was squeezing so tight.   The consultant starting asking me about my health, are you on any medication? Smoke? Drink? … no no no.  What was your Down’s score?  er .. I dunno.  Starting off a mad panic to find the form with my blood results, the Sonographer went off to find them and I burst into tears at this point. “oh sorry don’t cry, I am sure she doesn’t have Downs I just want to see what your risk factor is.” oh ok ….. you do realise I have been laying on a bed for over an hour while people scan my tiny baby and just keep umming and arghing and saying things like “ok well I got that measurement 1 mm more we’ll take that then”.

Finally after what seemed like eternity we were given our prognosis.

3rd baby has no physical characteristics or features or issues which can be attributed to her small size.  The placenta is more than likely the issue.  Come back for a scan in 3 weeks time to measure her growth again.  This will be crucial in deciding the next step.  Ideally if pushed to deliver 28 weeks presents the best chance for baby’s survival.

What?? I’m 22 weeks?? 28 weeks?? Babies aren’t born at 28 weeks??
Survival?? What?? I have 2 healthy and beautiful children at home why is this any different??

The consultant continued to talk but I’ve switched off now, brain in overload.  Tears streaming, can feel Daddy’s hand sweating.  I open my eyes and look up to see the last image captured by the scan on the plasma screen.  If I close my eyes and open them again it’ll all be a horrid dream and really I’ll be at home in my bed.  ”Did I have any questions??” Questions?? Ofcourse I did! Why was this happening?? What are you talking about?? Is my baby going to die??  After a huge breathe I said “Should I eat more??” ….. what the hell!!!  Have I completely lost the plot now!?

The consultant left and a hospital midwife came .. but I just wanted to go home.  We left neither speaking.

So its been two days now and I must admit I’ve thrown myself into my business.  Well what else can I do??  Everytime I stop thinking or talking my mind is flooded with thoughts …. How do I explain this to 1st and 2nd baby??  How will I, how will we all cope if she’s ill or dies.  I feel like my whole life is hanging in a balance.   I can’t do anything but wait …. and wait.  How are you suppose to survive just waiting??  I’m not a waiter…. I’m a go getter.  I want something and I go get it.  I make things happen ….  so why can’t I make my baby grow?  It’s funny what you start thinking about …. I’ve still been able to lay on my tummy so this must be why she’s not growing … I’m squashing her.  OK so now I only sleep on my back or side.  I like a hot shower  I’ll only have warm baths.   I must only eat fresh fruit all day long no more chocolate or crisps.   When she kicks I feel my heart breaking .. what if I never get to hold your hand on your first day of school …… but then she doesn’t kick and I find myself rubbing my tummy and talking to her …. come on little one not now you can do it you can hold on for a few more weeks.   But there it is the big question … can she hold on for a few more weeks?? Can she?? Can I???

On the 20th May 2012 Olive Anne Louise Giltrow celebrated her 1st Birthday.  With a wicked sense of humour, a big fat belly laugh and a smile that melts hearts - everyday we are thankful that your are in our lives.